Football God: Toro, Toro come forward, I have an assignment for you.
Toro: Yes, your heavenliness?
Football God: Toro, we’ve been getting a lot of prayers for a Dwayne Bailey. He’s really going through a rough time right now and could use a lot of help right now. He’s just about lost all hope for the Texans.
Toro: Oh goodness! I can’t bear to think we’d lose a fan. What do you want me to do?
Football God: Go down there and make sure he doesn’t throw away the greatest gift of all: being a fan of the home team.
Toro: If I save this Dwayne Bailey, do I then get my bling?
Football God: We’ll see. First, go down to Earth and help Dwayne.
Toro: How am I supposed to get down to Earth?
(Football God punts Toro to Earth)
(Crash lands in Sugar Land)
Toro: Ughhhhhh, that reentry is no joke. What was I doing again? Right, Dwayne Bailey. Where can I find Dwayne Bailey?
Dwayne: Listen, Football God, if you’re even real, I’m at the end of my rope here. I kind of feel like I can’t keep going like this. If you’re listening, if you’re out there, please give me a sign.
Toro: Well that’s convenient.
Dwayne: Who the heck are you?
Toro: A friend. I’m here to help you with your problem.
Dwayne: That’s real swell of you, but I don’t think anyone CAN help me anymore.
Toro: Nobody’s beyond help, Dwayne, especially you.
Dwayne: Who are you? How did you know my name? And why is it snowing in Sugar Land?
Toro: My name is Toro, I was sent here by Football God to help.
Dwayne: That doesn’t explain why it’s snowing in Sugar Land.
Toro: It’s for dramatic effect.
Dwayne: Sure. Why not.
Toro: So, Dwayne, what is troubling you so much, friend?
Dwayne: I can’t keep it up, Toro. The constant losing, the bad coaching and ownership, the total indifference to what the fans want. It’s all getting to me, man—er—bull. I don’t know why I keep watching this team, I don’t get any enjoyment out of it anymore. I almost wish…no, I can’t.
Toro: Wish what?
Dwayne: I wish the Oilers had never left Houston! I wish I’d never been a Texans fan!
Toro: My, my, my, that’s quite the thing to say.
Toro: What do you think, Football God? Should I let him have it? Yeah, I think that’d work. Okay, Dwayne, it’s done.
Dwayne: What’s done?
Toro: The Oilers never relocated. They’ve been playing in Houston since 1960.
Dwayne: Oh, sure right, and now you’re gonna tell me they still play in the Astrodome too.
Toro: Well, see for yourself.
(Dwayne and Toro disappear)
Dwayne: They’re-they’re back! How did that happen?!
Toro: Your wish has been granted. The Houston Oilers have been playing at the Astrodome for 60 years now. The dome’s gotten more facelifts than Joan Crawford.
Dwayne: Kind of an outdated reference there, Toro.
Toro: Yeah, but we are in black and white, after all.
Dwayne: Fair. Wow this is great! How have they been doing? Did they win the Super Bowl yet?
Toro: Not…as such.
Dwayne: Two? Three? More?!
Toro: Um…no. They haven’t had a winning record in 27 years.
Dwayne: How?! How is that even possible?! Even the Browns luck into a winning season once in a decade.
Toro: I can show you, but you won’t be happy about it. They’re about to hold an end of season press conference.
Dwayne: Show me. I need to see it, Toro.
(Toro and Dwayne vanish and reappear at the Houston Oilers press conference)
P.R. Flack: Thank you for joining us today. We’ll start first with a message from the owner and then take questions from the head coach and coordinators.
(Cameras flash as the owner is brought into the room)
Bud Adams: Thank you for joining us today, ladies and gentlemen.
Dwayne: That’s impossible! That bastard died in 2013! How is he still alive?!
Toro: When Bud Adams extorted Houston a fifth time, it included a clause that they would pay any expenses to keep him alive so he could be the Oilers owner forever. So technically he did die in ‘13, but the City found a way to keep him alive.
Adams: I know this wasn’t how we hoped this season would turn out. After all, nobody wants a third straight 3-13 season.
Dwayne: Three straight three-win seasons?!
Toro: Yep. Just the worst luck with quarterbacks. Who would’ve ever guessed that Johnny Manziel would’ve had three straight season-ending injuries?
Dwayne: Manziel is the Oilers’ quarterback?
Toro: Has been since 2014. Adams was adamant they take him with the first overall pick.
Toro: They’ve had the first overall pick 7 times in the last 23 years.
Adams: Now let’s hear from the ol’ head coach, who I have absolute confidence in.
Bill O’Brien: I’ll make this brief. This team is on the right track. Got a bunch of tough, smart, dependable guys out there just giving their all to win day in and day out.
Dwayne: You’ve gotta be kidding me. HIM AGAIN?! They just fired him a couple of months ago!
Toro: Bill O’Brien has been the Oilers’ coach since 2014. He hasn’t been fired by anybody because the only team that’s fired him no longer exists.
Dwayne: Does he get fired, though? Three 3-13 seasons should be the death knell for any coach.
Toro: No, O’Brien remains the head coach for another 13 years.
Dwayne: 13 YEARS?! Did he see Bud murder somebody or what?
Toro: On the contrary, Adams loves him because he’s so terrible. You see, Adams never forgave Houston for the way they refused him the second time he demanded an upgrade to the Dome. Ever since then, he’s done everything he can to keep the Oilers in the cellar whether that’s drafting Manziel, trading Andre Johnson to New England for Dedric Ward and Eugene Wilson, or firing Kyle Shanahan as offensive coordinator for putting together a competent offense. Now the city is in too deep with Adams and can’t tell him to go pound sand.
Dwayne: Why not? It’s not like there aren’t other sports teams in Houston.
Toro: There aren’t. Not anymore.
Toro: Adams took so much money from the city to keep the Oilers in town that there was no money left for the Astros or Rockets. The Astros are now the Oklahoma City Bombers and the Rockets are the Kentucky Colonels. Incidentally, the Bombers have won four World Series in the last ten years and the Colonels have been to the Eastern Conference finals three times in the last four years.
Dwayne: It…it can’t be. The Oilers are the only thing left in this city.
Toro: Except the Dynamo.
Dwayne: Nobody cares about the Dynamo!
O’Brien: We’re going to take a look at what we did well and what we can improve upon. Me and defensive coordinator Frank Bush—
Dwayne: FRANK BUSH!? Even in this reality Houston still gets stuck with him?
O’Brien: And offensive coordinator Joe Marciano—
Dwayne: Oh, bull[kitten].
Toro: O’Brien was impressed with the job Joe did as special teams coordinator he promoted him to OC without any experience in calling offensive plays. He “had a hunch.”
Dwayne: I don’t want to see any more of this, Toro. Take me home.
Toro: I don’t know if you want to do that.
Dwayne: Take me home Toro. Take me to my wife and kid.
Toro (sigh): If you insist.
(Dwayne and Toro disappear and arrive in front of a stately home)
Dwayne: This isn’t my house.
Toro: Yeah…I know.
(Dwayne knocks on the door)
Dwayne’s wife Lisa: No. No. No. No. No. No. You’re not supposed to be here. The judge sa—
Dwayne: Lisa! (goes to hug her)
(Lisa pulls back)
Lisa: Keep away from me! Get off my porch before I call the police.
Dwayne: Call the po—Lisa, don’t you recognize me? It’s me, It’s Dwayne.
Lisa: I know it’s you! That’s why I’m calling the police. Does a restraining order mean nothing to you?
Dwayne: Restraining order?
Lisa: Yeah, please don’t make me call the cops.
Dwayne: I…I don’t understand.
Toro: In 2013, you were absolutely convinced the Oilers were going to the Super Bowl that year and you didn’t want to miss a minute. So you cashed in your daughter’s college fund to buy season tickets. Lisa found out and it was all downhill from there.
Dwayne: She left me because of the Oilers? This is a nightmare. This is an honest to Football God nightmare.
Football God: Sure looks like it.
Toro: I’ve got this.
Dwayne: Please take me back to my home. My home.
Toro: You really do not want to see that.
Dwayne: What could possibly be worse than all this? Show me, Toro. Show me now.
Toro: You asked for it.
(Dwayne and Toro disappear and arrive at Dwayne’s apartment)
Dwayne: I’M A COWBOYS FAN!?
Toro: When Lisa divorced you, you swore off the Oilers and became a Cowboys fan.
Dwayne: I take it all back. I wish the Texans still existed. I wish they would be back with all their annoying glory and the consistent AFC South championships and the bad coaching and the disinterested ownership. I want it all back! Please, Toro. I’ve learned my lesson. Please bring the Texans back. Please.
Stan Bainbright: Dwayne, did you hear me?
Dwayne: Stan? No, hear what?
Stan: They did it! The Texans finally hired a new head coach. And you’re not going to believe who they picked.
Dwayne: The Texans? You mean the Oilers, right?
Stan: The Oilers? You alright Dwayne? No, the Texans, you goof. They got a new coach, and none of us saw this guy coming.
Dwayne: The Texans? The Houston Texans?
Stan: Are there any other Texans?
Dwayne: Then…I’m back home. Toro brought me home! Oh my god, I’m so happy to be home.
Dwayne: HELLO NRG STADIUM, YOU BIG BEAUTIFUL BUILDING YOU!
Dwayne: HELLO BILL O’BRIEN YOU UNMITIGATED HACK! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE GONE FOR GOOD!
Lisa: Dwayne, are you okay?
Dwayne: LISA! ANNIE! YOU’RE HERE! Oh I missed y’all so much!
(Kisses both Lisa and Annie)
Annie: You’re silly, Daddy.
Dwayne: No, not if you knew, sweetie.
Annie: Look, Daddy, every time a bell rings, a Toro gets his bling.
Dwayne: Yeah…that’s right. Attaboy Toro, wherever you are.